If “Self-Care” Makes You Cringe, Try This Instead
A new approach to taking care of yourself without feeling guilty
I see the phrase self-care all over the place these days.
Maybe it's because I’m in the health coaching business of coping with stress and feeling better in your mind and body.
Maybe it's the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon that happens when you want to buy a gray minivan, and then suddenly all you see on the road are gray minivans!
(I make myself laugh because I actually drive a gray minivan and no one is fantasizing about buying one. But you get the point.)
Or maybe it's because self-care is really that gosh darn dang important!
I totally forgot to take care of myself, physically and mentally, during the years when my babies were young. I wasn’t sleeping well, exercising or relaxing.
I was one of those people who thought that selflessness and busy-ness made me a “good mom.”
A lot of nurses and other caretakers I know also feel that they should constantly give to everyone around them, without also thinking about their own health.
Young girls and women receive the message that their worth is in giving to and nurturing others. Nurses receive honors and accolades for being “selfless” in delivering care to their patients.
But if we stop to think about it, what does selfless actually mean?
If you look up selflessness in the dictionary you will find it to mean “having little or no concern for oneself; motivated by no concern for oneself but for others, unselfish.”
Unselfish.
No wonder the nurses and moms I work with feel “guilty” when they take time for self-care. They think, “self-care inherently focuses on the self, but I’m not supposed to do that, because then I am selfish.” The ultimate no-no quality in a caregiver.
As I hope and wait for society to change the narrative it gives to young girls, we can start by recognizing our own thoughts about feeling guilty or selfish when taking care of ourselves. As we begin to change how we think about caring for ourselves, our friends and daughters will notice and learn from us, too.
If we change the phrase “self-care” to something with less moral judgment, I believe caregivers can start letting go of the guilt when they spend some time relaxing. We can begin encouraging each other and make self-care a normal, accepted part of daily life. No element of our worth involved.
Because let's face it, when you don’t spend time in self-care activities (ie: time spent activating the parasympathetic nervous system) your body begins to accumulate stress, and that’s when physical and mental illness can take hold.
What is self-care, exactly?
We get many mixed messages about the definition of self-care.
At its broadest sense, the World Health Organization says self-care is: the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote and maintain their own health, prevent disease and cope with illness.
I like to think about it as engaging in health promoting activities. Things like eating well, exercising, managing stress, regulating our nervous system, understanding emotions, getting solid sleep, and resting.
I think the sour taste left in our mouth often comes from social media, where people treat self-care like a luxury. Like something that can only happen after you’ve taken care of all your mom-duties.
We are shown images of bubble baths with candles, a glass of wine, a massage, yoga poses…and while these activities are nice, they are out of reach on a daily basis. Self-care must be accessible each day without feeling like an extravagance or extra expense.
We can begin to think of self-care as anything we do that improves our physical, mental, and spiritual health.
Self-care without the guilt
How can we begin to think differently about self-care to release the thought, “I should be doing something else?” and the feelings of guilt associated with that thought?
Use this 4 step process to notice which thoughts are creating the feelings of guilt that cause you to not take action on caring for yourself.
1. Identify why self-care is important to you
What are you trying to achieve by spending more time on your health? Think about how you want to feel in your mind and body, and why you want to feel that way.
Do you want to walk into work without feeling anxious?
Do you want to be able to relax in your bed at night and easily drift off to sleep?
Do you want improved digestion and less painful bloating?
Do you want to feel more in control of your emotions and stop yelling at your kids when you’re overwhelmed?
Do you want to model care for yourself so your kids know how a healthy mom takes care of herself?
Or maybe you’d love to age gracefully and be able to walk until your last days.
Take a few moments to dig a little deeper into why you really want to start focusing on your health. Knowing your truest desires for how you want to experience this one life will give you ammunition so to speak, against the guilt that habitually shows up.
2. Release the feeling of guilt for taking care of yourself
If you start to feel guilty for going for a walk or reading a book when the house is a mess just notice the feeling. Don’t try to push it away. Allow it to come along with you, even while you do your self care activity. You can imagine with guilty feeling like a coat or jacket; eventually it will fall off if you don’t resist, but still carry on.
Notice the thoughts you associate with feeling guilty. For me, guilt-creating thoughts include, “I really should be doing something else. I don’t have time for this when I need to cook dinner, help with homework, and get ready for work.”
Sometimes sneaky thoughts will creep in that you don’t even realize are making you feel guilty. You have the choice to continue believing these thoughts, or notice when these thoughts come in your brain and let them go without actually believing the thoughts.
Over time with repeated practice, your body and brain will have habituated to looking forward to your relaxing time without any negative feelings attached.
Also, it can be helpful to remember that we’ve been socialized as young girls that it’s more important to care for others than for ourselves. That’s why we feel guilty going out with friends because we think, “who will cook dinner? My kids need me at home,” which are all thoughts given to use over the years. If you think about it this way, the power guilt holds over you will lessen. Feeling guilty can just be a habit that we can begin to shift.
3. Choose an alternative phrases to self-care that doesn’t evoke feelings of guilt
These phrases below are not stale or overused on the internet.
Pay attention to how you feel in your gut, or even in your chest, as you read through this list.
Is there a certain phrase that pops out? If you feel a little punch to your gut, take that as an invitation to begin using that phrase for the next few weeks to see if it changes your attitude toward caring for yourself:
Looking after myself
Balancing my nervous system
Self-love
Relaxation
Being my own advocate (this one is for the nurses!)
Calming/regulating my nervous system
Time for healing
Health-seeking
Health-awareness
My own well-being
Mental health
Emotional health
Time for joy
Fun
Stress reduction
My own thriving
Inner health (wow, this one got me)
The list goes on, and includes more than I imagined when originally thinking about this topic.
What else would you add to the list?
Which phrase caught your attention?
Write it down and commit to creating 10 minutes of “inner health” time each day. Put it on your calendar. No backing out. It’s a date!
4. Remember that two things can be true
I believe one of the most selfless things we can do is be selfish in the way we approach our physical and mental health.
You can selflessly take care of others and selfishly take care of yourself. Because when you are rested, nourished, and coping well with stress…oh man! Everyone around you will notice and benefit from how you are feeling.
This is how you will begin to feel better in your mind and body.
Ready to create more time for your own inner health? Join my newsletter where I share health tips and stories to help you improve your physical and mental health. After signing up you can also email me directly with all your health questions. I’m here to help.
