On Becoming A Selfish Giver
The hidden cost of being selfless (especially for moms and nurses)
Becoming a Selfish Giver means taking care of your own health with as much energy and compassion as you give everyone else.
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You take care of everyone else without hesitation. Your patients, your kids, your family. You show up and handle it all, and you keep going. But underneath all that, you’re exhausted. And more stressed and irritable than you’d like to be.
You’ve gotten really good at pushing your needs to the side, or to the bottom of the priority pile. You tell yourself you’ll rest later, eat later, deal with it later, pee later (nurse, anyone?), just as soon as you finish everything on your to-do list.
For awhile this all works…until it doesn’t anymore. After years of neglecting your own needs your body starts sending you signals, like exhaustion, anxiety, and trouble sleeping… telling you this isn’t sustainable anymore.
Many nurses and moms I speak with identify as “givers.” They love giving their energy, attention and skills to patients and kids who need them. These givers hold nurturing as a top value. And what an amazing gift to have: to be able to care for others when they need it the most.
Giving to others isn’t the problem. The problem is that these givers are being told over and over that they have to give “selflessly.”
What if selfless isn’t the standard we should be aiming for?
I once received an email from a national nurses association that read “we celebrate nurses like you who selflessly devote their time, skills, and compassion to caring for patients.”
On the one hand this sentiment sounds amazing, and it is.
It is an amazing skill and gift to serve others without thinking of yourself.
On the other hand, this statement also led me to wonder why we are experiencing an epic number of nurses (and other caregivers) burning out and leaving the profession. Or, they feel so overwhelmed by “having to do it all” that they have physical symptoms of chronic stress in their body and brain. This level of stress is seeping into all areas of their life.
(Side note: I do believe that the workplace environment and the incredible work load placed on nurses, caregivers etc., is the major cause of burnout and not the individual’s fault. We need more work in these areas and luckily there are brave leaders fighting for this change! My passion lies in helping the individual givers 💚)
Is caring for others selflessly maybe not to be lauded, but to be questioned?
The definition of selfless is:
“Having, exhibiting or motivated by no concern for oneself but for others; unselfish”
Having no concern for oneself but for others. Motivated by no concern for oneself.
What?
In the moment of taking care of a patient in the hospital, or sitting with a child during a meltdown, of course it is beneficial to be “selfless” and think of the others’ needs. We are present and nurturing in an emotionally adult way. This is our strength.
The danger lies in the extent to which this concept travels into every corner of our lives. We are told from a very young age, especially young girls, that we need to give, and give to others only. Give to our kids, family, and everyone around us. The thread of moral necessity is woven into this message.
So when we grow up and become moms or nurses or caregivers, we feel bad inside if we do something for ourselves. Because we’re not supposed to do that!
Many nurses and moms tell me they feel guilty if they workout when their kids are home. They feel guilty if they rest on their days off when the house is a mess.
They say they feel selfish for wanting to go out with their friends in the evening and leave the kids home with their partner. These givers don’t even do the self care activity; they feel selfish just thinking about it.
This is such an understandable experience when put through the lens of how girls are socialized and told that the best nurses/women/moms are selfless.
I get it. I was here myself. I felt so bad for wanting to rest but felt like I could only do something for my kids or the house. I felt guilty for wanting to be alone by myself. I hadn’t yet learned that just because you rest on the couch doesn’t mean you are a lazy or bad mom.
Is there a place for being both selfless and selfish in actually having concern for our own wellbeing?
I think there is.
This is an area of life where it doesn’t need to be one or the other. It’s not black and white. It’s both-and.
We can be selfless in our devotion to caring for others, and selfish in devotion for caring for ourselves.
When we take care of ourselves, meaning we find time to rest, de-stress, move our bodies, or do something enjoyable, we create safety in our body. This safety allows us to enter the parasympathetic nervous system, which is where we “rest and digest.” It’s where we heal and allow our body to recover. It’s where we sleep deeply. It’s where we laugh. As a result we will have more energy and experience more positive emotions like joy and happiness.
When we feel this way, others around us will notice and will benefit too because we will be able to care for them without guilt, stress, resentment and irritation. Being selfish in our self care sounds pretty selfless to me.
When I really stopped to think about all the messages we receive that good-moms and good-nurses are selfless, it made more sense to me why I was exhausted, irritable, and experiencing anxiety and insomnia. It’s impossible to live up to that expectation.
When you begin caring for yourself, maybe after years of putting your health on the back burner while caring for others, it may feel weird. You may feel guilty or selfish because all those old conditioned thoughts that you should be doing something else will pop up. And that’s okay. Nothing has gone wrong.
You can notice these thoughts and feelings and begin unwinding those messages. You can tell yourself, “it’s okay that I feel selfish and I am still going to” … do the thing you want and need to do for your health. Just carry that feeling along with you, like a coat you are wearing, and eventually it will fall off and go away, as all emotions do.
Your brain will quickly adjust to your new thoughts and allow you to be “selfish” in the way you care for yourself. The same way you care for everyone else.
Here’s to you.
xo, Sarah
Want to learn more about taking care of yourself with as much energy as you give everyone else? Sign up for my weekly health newsletter and come join us as we become Selfish Givers. See you there!
